Welcome to the First Church of Cuttlefishism! We are devoted to our lord, the great Cuttlefish Overlord, who is pictured here.
We believe that the Cuttlefish Overlord is the creator of all life on Earth and elsewhere. Earth's oceans are truly holy places, as they are home to our Overlord's chosen people, the holy and revered cuttlefish. Squid are also considered holy, but not held above cuttlefish. We are working to create a truly holy species of aquatic creature, the "squiddlefish". The squiddlefish is a legendary being that was said to have gone extinct during the Great War, which will be explained later. The creation of the squiddlefish was carried out by a son of the Overlord, who shuned the ways of his father and created the squiddlefish to rebel against him. But the Evil One (now known as Papa Smurf) lost his control over the sqiddlefish, as the cuttlefish inside of them was too great to control. They became the servants of The Overlord, and fought as some of the Overlord Army's most powerful fighters. We believe that we can recreate the legendary and holy squiddlefish by crossbreeding a squid with a cuttlefish. We pray to the Cuttlefish Overlord everyday and ask him to grant us the power and luck that we need to make this scientific dream come true. The great Cuttlefish Overlord told me in a vision I had that if we could get the word of Cuttlefishism out to the public, that he would grant our request and allow us to finally, after centuries of research, recreate the legendary squiddlefish. We have been working towards this goal for many years now. In fact, Mr. Steelman, or as he is more commonly known as, Papa Steel-steel, was just born about 30 years before our research began. Papa Steel-steel is known to Christians and Jews as "Adam", though this was a given name when he lost his train of thought and stood there saying "Uhhhhh..." for about 40,000 years.
In addition to the Cuttlefish Overlord, we believe it was John Wilkes Booth, the Overlords second son, whom the Cuttlefish Overlord sent to us to teach us the ways of the cuttlefish, and lead the armies that defeated Papa Smurf.
Unfortunantly, John Wilkes Booth, pictured below, was killed in a skirmish only about 30 years after he came to power as the ruler of Earth. He is held highly as a great prophit amongst Cuttlefishists. The dark power of the Llamacists is strong, and must be avoided. America has fallen into dark times. Republicans worship the vile llamas. Not all Republicans are so evil. There are some who still acknowledge the Cuttlefish Overlord, and they will not perish in the Great Desert, as the Llamacist Republicans will after death. We believe that those true to the path of the Cuttlefish will desend into the glorious Great Ocean and be one with the Cuttlefish Overlord. Those who stray, however, and follow Llamacisim will ascend into the waterless Great Desert, where they will never see a cuttlefish for the rest of eternity. Those who are neutral to both, like Switzerland, will stay in the Great Field, as Earth is commonly called, a mixture of dry and wet, where you will not be with the cuttlefish, but they are not out of your reach, either. Join us, and see the glory of the great Cuttlefish Overlord!
After John Wilkes Booth left Earth, the Cuttlefish Overlord realized that the people of Earth just weren't devout enough. He realized that he needed someone that everyone would recognize to be an icon and remind people of the Overlord's power. This icon would be none other than his third son, *drum roll* Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris would be sent to Earth to show people the power of the Overlord. How else could Chuck Norris possibly rock so hard? He's the ultimate action hero, and the only way anyone could possibly be as awesome as Chuck Norris is by the grace and favor of the Cuttlefish Overlord. Chuck Norris is Cuttlefishism's patron saint because of his favor with the Overlord and incredible ability to create a path of pure pwnage. Chuck Norris should be an example to all of us, and inspire us to fight for the Overlord, and pwn all those who would oppose Him! Glory to the Cuttlefish Overlord!
The enemies of Cuttlefishism have a leader, and that leader has an assistant, like the Overlord is aided by John Wilkes Booth.
The Republicans are lead by none other than Papa Smurf! He may try to trick you by being "cute", or "adorable", or whatever else it is you paganistic Llamacists use to describe him, but he is pure evil! This is pure heresy, because he is the oldest son of the Overlord! That little blue creep doesn't have a sacred bone in his body! Why, he was kicked out of the Great Ocean so fast he still had water flowing straight through him with his freakish Smurf anatomy. That's why he's blue! Sinful! If any of you see this blue demon, run far away! The only "good" thing he ever did was create the race of Squid/Cuttlefish known as Squiddlefish!! The Overlord was pleased with him then, but then he used the Squiddlefish army to try and rebel, but they could not be controlled by his evil ways!! So far, they are the only creatures known to us that can resist him after being under his control!!! You cannot defeat Papa Smurf, for he is the embodiement of all evil in the world! You can try, but his little guy is tough! Only the "Holy Water Balloon of Iberia" can stop him. Now, why the Iberian region is so special, I don't know, but it is, oh, it is! And this little demon is aided by none other than Spongebob Squarepants!!
This sick freak not only lives underwater to do his evil deeds, but has defied the laws of physics in an ungodly way! He can not only produce fire underwater, but even pools of water underwater! It's unholy!! And his friend "Patrick".... Do you know what that name really means?? Pretty Awful Totalitarian Russian Iberia Copying Kanaidan!! Oh yes, worse even than Canada is Kanada! Kanada is the an evil place. It's an island full of people from Kansas and Canada that have come together to stop the Cuttlefishists!! The Kanadians must be stopped, and this Patrick is Spongecrap Evilface's mindless robot that he and Papa Smurf plan to use to kill us all!! Join us now, and help the fight against Papa Smurf, Spongebob, and Kanada!
Just like The Cuttlefish Overlord and John Wilkes Booth have Chuck Norris, Papa Smurf and Spongebob Squarepants have their evil and far less awesome counterpart of Chuck Norris; Eric Bauman.
Eric Bauman is quite possibly one of the most vile, disgusting people on the face of the Earth. He's made himself rich by stealing other peoples' content without giving them credit. He would go onto sites like YTMND and SomethingAwful and steals the things on their sites, but fail to give any credit, breaking the copyright laws that are supposed to protect the authors of these videos and images. He has been sued numerous times, but they never seemed to stop. The users of YTMND, SomethingAwful, Newgrounds, among others, started a flame raid againt eBaumsworld's forums. Since then, many users have begun independently attacking eBaumsworlds forums with spam and flames. However, nothing seems to stop this vile servant of Papa Smurf. The Cuttlefish Overlord calls for everyone to begin flaming eBaumsworld.com's forums and to help bring this tryant and his left handed ways to an end once and for all. This man has made millions off of stealing. The Overlord tells us that this is wrong, and wants it brought to an end ASAP.
One of the cruelest, most evil, most vile beings ever born is Papa Smurf's earthly commander, Papa Steel-steel. With his crooked moustache of doom, his ability to assign hundreds and hundreds of sentences to those who preach the word of the Overlord and assign 7 page reports about Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth, and his dreaded "side kick," Papa Steel-steel has slain many of the Cuttlefish Overlord's brave warriors and missionaries.
The Way Leadership Works (In Descending Order):
*Disciples are not appointed, they are the original Cuttlefish followers from Florida.
*Lewis is also a disciple, but assumes the title of Pope for leadership purposes.
Bishop Tyler (on mission to Spain)
Other Confirmed Cuttlefishists:
How to Become a Cuttlefishist
To convert to Cuttlefishism, please e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org using the subject line "CUTTLEFISHISM" and including the following information:
1. Your first name and your age.
2. The vow of the National Church of The Cuttlefish Overlord
I vow to uphold the name of Cuddlefishism and to hate octopi, anglerfish, and anglopi.
I vow to honor the name of the great Cuttlefish Overlord.
I vow to try to show people to the path of Cuttlefishism.
I vow to read the Quttleran and to understand it's teachings.
I vow to keep in mind that this is all a freaking hilarious joke and that this isn't a real religion.
Once we recieve your e-mail with your name, age, and the vows, we will add you as an official Cuttlefishist! We will send you a reply informing you of you acceptance.
Our cuttlefish, who swimith in thine ocean
Sacred by thine face
Thy ocean come
Thy plots be done
On land as it is in water
Give us this face, our daily fish
And forgive us our treachery
As we fail to forgive those who backstab us
And lead us not into voting republican
But deliver us from llamas
For thine is the ocean, and tentacled forever.
As the Overlord spoke,
I believe in the Cuttlefish Overlord
In the prophet, John Wilkes Booth
In the holy race, Squiddlefish.
I renounce the ways of the Republicans
The dark lord, Papa Smurf
The demonic race, Anglopi.
I acknoledge the word of Cuttlefishism
The everlasting battle
The great "Genetic Quest".
I pledge loyalty to the Overlord
I will follow his word throughout my life
I will carry out his will with all my soul.
As the Overlord spoke,
The Great War, which took place around 98,000 BCE, before even Mimi, the oldest living human who personally knows the Cuttlefish Overlord, was alive. The Earth was once covered completely in water. There was a massive war in the oceans. On one side was the Cuttlefish, the Squid, and the holy Squiddlefish. Attacking the holy alliance was the Octopi, the Anglerfish, and Anglopi, the most foul creatures ever to swim the waters. The battles raged throughout the world. The losses were heavy for both sides. This war was not over land, or resources. This war was sparked purely from the evil of the Anglopi and their Anglerfish and Octopus followers. Though the Squiddlfish alliance won the war, there were irreparable losses. The Squiddlefish were wiped out, and the great Cuttlefish Overlord was wounded so terribly that he had to return to the Great Ocean and leave our world in the hands of the Cuttlefish. The Anglopi were devastated, but not wiped out. Some of those vile beasts still roam the waters of Earth. The great Cuttlefish Overlord commands that, if anyone sees an Anglopus, that they kill it at all costs. The Great War was a terrible conflict that had no clear winner.
After the war was over, the Church of Cuttlefishism was divided. The old, traditional Cuttlefishists wanted to continue to hunt down the enemy Anglerpi, but a more peaceful faction of the Cuttlefishist congregation wanted to forgive the enemy and try to coexist. They could not reach an agreement with the Cuttlefishist church leaders, and the peaceful Cuttlefishists broke off to form a different denomination of Cuttlefishism - Mantarayism. The difference is similar to the difference between Catholic Christians and Protestant Christians. Both Cuttlefishists and Mantarayists worship the Overlord and our Lord John Wilkes Booth, but they are more peaceful and are quicker to forgive. They are a small denomination of Cuttlefishism, but they are part nonetheless.
As it is written in the Cuttlefish Bible