This is the first book of Cuttlefishism, the book of Lewis. This is the most holy of all of the books of the Quttleran. It makes very little, if any sense whatsoever, and we suspect that someone seriously screwed up translating it from the original Lou-louish text. This book has 4 chapters to the original text. All entries after Chapter 4 are written by Lewis, but are not part of the original Lou-louish document. This is the story of how the great Cuttlefish Overlord arose to power.
Once upon a cuttlefish, there was a little wizard that couldn't. He couldn't cook, smell, see, hear, touch, taste or even make a potion or cast a spell. The only thing he could do was fail, and die, he could die really good. So one day, he tried to cast a spell...again. So he gathered himself up, and prepared himself to cast his spell. As he cast the spell, he said "Abra-Kadabra-AlakaCuttlefish!!! As soon as he had finished, a cuttlefish army arose from the ocean. They were under his command. Finally, he had done something right. He toko his cuttlefish army and armed them with the lastest in high-tech weaponry; swords, bows and arrows, spears, clubs, rock axes, and of course, twigs. He also armed them with some low-tech weapons like battle droids, laser rifles, and lightsabers. Soon with his massive army of cuttlefish, he began teaching his captain, a cactus, human war tactics. The cuttlefish (and a cactus) learned how to throw rocks and sticks, and to punch people. A select few cuttlefish were armeed with sniper rocks to pick off enemies at long range. Also some of the cuttlefish were amred with high-tech rocket propelled sticks. With this army, the Wizard Who Couldn't (that is his actual name) became the first great Cuttlefish Overlord in the year of 3016.
40 years after the great cuttlefish invasion and take over of 3016, the position of power had swtiched from the first great Cuttlefish Overlord to his son, nameless at the time, but now known as Papa Smurf. Unlike his father, he was not a magician, so he had limited control of his cuttlefish amry, and the cactus. But, he was an excellent scientist. Using science he created a race of stronger, but not smarter, cuttlefish and squid. His creation, the squittlefish, had a microchip imbedded in their brains to make it so that they would never disobey him. After this, since he was not as passionate about cuttlefish as his father, he did away with all but a few cuttlefish. He then imprisoned the cactus in jail, so he could nto escape and lead the cuttlefish into rebellion. So, while their captain was literally rotting in jail, the 20 remaining cuttlefish devised a plan to free their captain and topple Papa Smurf's empire. But first, they needed a leader. So, they recruited the Cuttlefish Overlord's younger son who was not known about by anyone until this very sentence. You may know him as John Wilkes Booth. They begin to teach him the best war tactics they knew, which were none. So after months of intenseless work and training (eating and watching TV) they set out to rescue their captain. After seconds of intense fighting, they found their cpatain in his cell, which the squittlefish army had stupidly filled with guns and sniper rocks, they stocked up on ammo (and sniper rocks) and took their half alive captain to safety. Along the way they found yo mama. When they were out of the compound they went back to their badly camoflouged base, which they had been nuked, so they stole Eric's box and hid in it. Eric was shot and killed later on, but no one cared because he was so poor. So now they had the base they needed. Although they had to fit 1 human, 20 cuttlefish, and a cactus (there was much groaning there) into a 20 ft X 12 ft box, they managed. The next day they went to Papa Smurf's castle. Although the squiddlefish fought valiantly, they were no match against the cuttlefish's for superior awesomeness. When they got to Papa Smurf's chambers, he used the power of science to throw a rock at the cactus-captain. He died, and the cuttlefish just vanished into thin air. So then it was just John Wilkes Booth and Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf knocked out John Wilkes Booth and was about to kill him when the mightieast of cuttlefish appeared used his awesome cutta-cutta-cuttlefish wave to send Papa Smurf into the Great Desert, until he broke out and led his new army against the Overlord's Army, which will be revealed in later books. Thus, John Wilkes Booth came to sit at the right hand of The Overlord, as the ruler of Earth, and peace and prosperity came over the land; until the fore mentioned war took lace 500 years later.
When John Wilkes Booth came to power, the Ultra Cactus General was angry. This is because Booth gave too much credit to the cuttlefish in the Great Squiddlefish Wars of 3056, even though he had led them into battle under the command of John Wilkes Booth, and even the Cuttlefish Overlord. So he retired from duty and called a reformation of the Cuttlefish National Church (negelcting to go was certain death). After refusing his reqeuset, Booth threw the cactus in a jail cell filled with weapons. A week after his mysterious disappearance that had been broadcast around the world, the few cuttlefish that remained loyal to him broke him out of jail. They took all of the weapons they could carry, which as all of them. So they sneakily ran through the open countryside in broad daylight, wearing giant flashing signs that said "escaping fugitives". Of course, no one saw them. When they got back to their old base, they found that once again, it had been nuked. So they stole the box of Eric's son. Eric's son was later hanged for refusing to attend the Cuttlefish National Church, and still nobody cared because he was the village hobo. Soon Booth found them and a huge battle broke out between the two factions consisting of 5 each. The cactus used his awesome ability to stand still and be a pincushin, while the cuttlefish flopped around like fish out of water. Because they were fish out of water. Amazingly, Booth's army won, but in the process Booth accidentally shot President Lincoln, and was killed himself. After he was killed, Papa Smurf saw his chance and sent his messenger, Sponge Bob, to tell all of the humans that the cuttlefish had caused the death of their great leader. So they converted to the dark ways of the Kanadians and turned on the cuttlefish. They threw them into the deepest parts of The Great Ocean so they would never return. They also decided to bury the cactus's roots undergroud, and for added effect the poured water over him, so he wold drown. That's where all the cuttlefish went and where they have been to this very day, plotting their revenge.
200 years after the Geat Rebellion of 3087, the world had pretty much forgotten about cuttlefish and cacti, except for the occasinal person being pulled into the ocean and later being found miles away with mysterious cuttle-marks on their unworthy heads. It was only after the Sahara-cuttle Desert was completely filed up with cacti that anyone took notice. Yes, the humans were indeed ignorant to the Cuttlefish Overlord, secretly polotting how to take over the human world, and once again be the dominant species. So, after planning out his plan for a painstakingly long scfifty-five seconds, he took his army, and called them to arms. So great was his army of schfourteee-teen billion cuttlefish, that the suppliers ran out of swords and sniper rocks, and had to equip the rookie cuttlefish with next to useless M-16's, battle rifles, and the pointless overheat-resistant plamsa pistols. Then the Cuttlefish Overlord called out to his old allies, the Cacti. They devised a plan that will be told later, less this story fall into human hands. On the day of the invasion (also known as C-day), the Cacti army ran in and using various 1 year old Al-Quieda leaders, commited massive suicide, thus sinking the human capitol of Atlantis. Soon after Atlantis fell, the rest of the humans pitifully tired to defend themselves, but to no avail. On the last day of this 26 second invasion, a massive cuttlefish sniper rock army let fly so many sniper rocks that the sky was blackened from lack of sunlight. Yet the humans still fought back, deploying techonologically ancient battle driods and lightsabers. Suddenly, the Cuttlefish Overlord appeared out of the sea, and used his amazing powers to cause the sea to boil, and varios Himalayan mountains to topple, and making the Yetis very angry. So, in this way, peace and prosperity came over the land, until Sauron created the One Ring and smited Taylor and Texas.
Chuck Norris Cometh
When the Cuttlefish succeeded in gaining the leadership of Earth, The Overlord decided to send his third son (know to us as, Chuck Norris) to rule over the cuttlefish. He did so with an iron foot, delivering his cutta-roundhouse kick into the face of the heathens that follow the ways of Papa Smurf. Some say that the Overlord gave Chuck the same strength he possess. But, the Overlord made sure that he would only have this power if he obeyed the ways of Cuttlefishism. So, heathens beware, defying the Overlord and worshipping Papa Smurf shall result in a painful visit from Chuck Norris.
This is the second book of Cuttlefishism, the Book of Stephen. This book tells of the stories and teaching of Cuttlefishism. Many important lessons are taught in Cuttlefishism, and this book tells you about them.
The Tale of Sir Trout
Brave Sir Trout rode forth from Atlantis. Sir Trout was a knight who fought in the name of the great Cuttlefish Overlord. He was not afraid to die. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, not Brave Sir Trout. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, or his elbows broken, to have his kneecaps split and his body burned away. Brave Sir Trout was not afraid to have his limbs all hacked and mangled, or his head smashed in, or his bowels unplugged, or his bottom burned off, or his notstrals raped, or his penis split. That is the overwhelming bravery of Sir Trout. But, alas, this bravery could not last. Brave Sir Trout ran away. When danger reared its ugly head he turned his tail and fled. Sir Trout turned about and gallantly he chickened out, taking to his feet, he beat a very fast retreat. He dishonored the name of the Cuttlefish Overlord. You must never turn and run in a battle when you fight in the name of the Cuttlefish!
One day the Overlord was swimming through the ocean and preaching in the heratic waters of Russia and Siberia with a small group of squid followers. The fish in the Russian region still held on the the old gods of Smurfism, an old pagan religion denounced in the rest of the ocean. The Russian fish did not take kindly to the Overlord preaching his word of redemption and other various forms of crap Stephen made up. One particularly violent Smurfist faction took up arms against the Overlord. There were 15 Smurfist radicals and only 7 squid accompanying the Overlord. The loyal squid said "My lord, though we cannot defeat the enemy, we will die in battle covering your escape! Run, my master, we give our lives for the Overlord!" The Overlord, in his almighty wisdom, said "I thank you for your loyalty, but fear not my bretheren; these heathens mean nothing more to me than innocent lives to George W. Bush! I will crush these pagans and they will cease to exist, much like the WMDs in Iraq!", and with that the Overlord charged at the 15 Russian fish. They were all clown fish, who are known for their overwhelming power of sucky jokes. Though it was hard to suffer through the "Grant Humor" onslaught, the Overlord prevailed over the enemy. When the skirmish was over, he arose from the dust and said "My people, to mark this victory for Cuttlfishism, I teach you to pray this prayer, and I shall hear thee.
'Our cuttlefish, who swimith in thine ocean,
Sacred be thine face.
Thy ocean come, they plots be done.
On land as it is in ocean.
Give us this face, our daily fish,
And forgive us our treachery
As we forgive those who friggin backstab us.
And lead us not into voting republican,
But deliver us from "Dubya".
For thine is the ocean, and the tentacled forever.
Pour Your Problems Unto Me, And I Shall Laugh At You, My Followers
While preaching to a group of flounder one day around the month of Colossians in the Year of Brett, approxomatly one month before the construction of the Great Turd Wall, one small flounder asked "My lord, how often do you wish us to pray to you?". The other founder there gasped that the young fish would dare to speak during the Overlord's sermon, but the Overlord said "Punish not this young one, for his heart lies in the right place. Though his brain may be lost in the sky with Lucy and her diamonds, his heart is with me and my word. I ask you all to pray at least once a day. I ask that at exactly 1:19 PM everyday, you all get on your knees and say a silent 10 second prayer to me. I will hear you when you pray. I won't do anything about your problems, but know that I will hear you. Also know, that whenever two or more are gathered, though I won't be there, you can pretend that I am. But the important thing is to remember the prayer that I have asked of you. I do not ask much; simply your loyalty and a prayer everyday." After this, there was a 23 minutes and 46 second prayer to the Overlord. As luck would have it, the young flounder's mind stayed with Lucy and her diamonds - he was killed in a swim-by shooting by a group of anglerfish on his way home from the Overlord's sermon. Remember the prayer, both to honor the Overlord, and in memory of this young, LSD addicted flounder.
The Llamas Rise Up
Once upon a time, on April 19th, in the year 2006, two Cuttlefishist priests, Priest Justin and Priest Brandon, were at a party. At this party, all seemed normal. But, unbeknownst to them, a dark evil plot was afoot. The party was for Ashley, it seemed innocent enough. What these priests of the Overlord did not know was that Ashley, Audrey, and a few other accomplises had started their own fake religion, to challenge the power of the Cuttlefish Overlord. This new fake religion is called Llamacisim. It is evil and dark in it's llama-worshipping ways. They used their dark powers of persuasion to turn the once loyal priests against the Overlord and to pledge their loyalty to the dark and disgusting llamas. Priest Brandon, who seemed to be more loyal to the Overlord than the pope himself, who even carried the Overlord's prayer with him in his pocket everyday, turned against Cuttlefishism. Let the Overlord remember their treachery, but also let him forgive them. I'm sure, somewhere in their high minds, a dirty creature that spits everywhere is attractive, in some way. Even though Cuttlefish are capable of seeing two more colors than we are, I'm sure llamas have some sort of attractiveness to them... As the Overlord taught us to pray, "Forgive us our treachery, as we forgive those who friggin' backstab us...". Indeed, these priests have stabbed the Overlord in the back, but may he forgive them, and have mercy on them, before sending their souls into the Great Desert.
Papa Steel-steel: Fatality Mode*
In the year of 2006, the great Cuttlefish warriors Stephen and Lewis, whom are revered among Cuttlefishism's greatest warriors of all time for their unmatchable strength and intelligence, were preaching the word of the Overlord in a town filled with unbelievers. This vile and evil town was called Elkin. While sleeping through yet another boring social studies class, Stephen recieved a vision from the Cuttlefish Overlord. In his vision, the Cuttlefish Overlord appeared to Stephen and said "Awake, my son. Awake, and face the incredibly boringness of Papa Steel-steel, for this is what I have charged you to do. Awake, and spread my message to the people of Papa Steel-steel's 4th period class...." Upon the end of the vision, Stephen immediatly awoke. He raised his hand, being used to the custom of requesting permission before preaching the word of a fake cult, and upon being recognized, stood up, and it was as if a watery halo with squid-tenticle-sucker-thingies appeared over his head, for he was the most magestic thing in that room. He said "Papa Steel-steel, I have a message for you and all of the students in this room. You live in dry darkness! Come into the light! Follow the word of the Cuttlefish Overlord, and you shall be saved, and allowed to live in the light of the ocean for all eternity, with the cuttlefish, squid, and squiddlefish, and be honored with the gift of being in the presense of the Cuttledors, the Overlord's most powerful warriors!" People began to listen to Stephen, and thought about his words. They realized how boring a dude getting nailed to a tree is, and how much cooler a weird little fish that can see two colors they couldn't was, and converted at that instant! Papa Steel-steel realized that his master, Papa Smurf, was losing power in the Elkin as more people converted, so he stood up and shouted "SILENCE!! I, UHH, THINK THAT'S, UMM, UHH, ENOUGH BABY DECK!! SIT, UMM, UHH, DOWN, OR WE MIGHT HAVE TO, UHH, TO, UMM, HAVE A, UHH, A LITTLE POW-WOW WITH, UHH, MAMA DECK!!" Stephen, not fearing the outburst, drew strength from the knowledge that the Cuttlefish Overlord gave him his blessings. He said "Papa Steel-steel, not even Papa Smurf and his blue self could stop these people from knowing the truth! I have been charge by the Cuttlefish Overlord himself to tell these people the truth about heaven! People! I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long! The Overlord wants to find you so bad, and let you know that it's miserable up there without all of you possible followers!" Upon hearing this latest revelation, Papa Steel-steel was outraged that his shouting and lack of being able to finish a sentance without saying "uhh" failed to show the people his lies. He thought to himself "I cannot fail my, uhh, master! I have to, uhh, go fatality mode on him!" And so, recieveing evil power from Papa Smurf's followers like Cass Wilkins and Ryan Grider, he grew to enormously fat sizes, and his moustache was even more crooked than before! He turned into a dragon so fat that the middle school walls crumbled and they were outside in the parking lot. The Cuttlefish Overlord used his great power to protect everyone there, and made the middle school just dissapear instead of falling and killing everyone. Stephen knew that the only way to complete his mission from the Cuttelfish Overlord was to fight Papa Steel-steel. He drew his magical sword of water and all things fishy, and charged at Papa Steel-steel, now in full fatality mode. He brought the sword down, but narrowly missed Papa Steel-steel. Papa Steel-steel used his deadly fatality kick, and sent Stephen flying into a nearby tree. Dazed and stunned, he slowly recovered. Lewis, now emerging from the middle school's rubble, saw his fellow missionary in danger. He drew his large Twinkie blade and three of his zebra cake grenades and prepared to fight. lewis lobbed the grenades right at Papa Steel-steel. They hit him directly, exploding in fire and cream filling! Papa Steel-steel was hurt badly and stunned, and Lewis took this chance to strike. He charged at Papa Steel-steel with his Twinkie sword and sliced off a leg. "No more fatality kicks for you, Mr. Steelman!" Lewis shouted. This gave Stephen the time he needed to recover from the powerful fatality kick. He ran and launched himself into the air, slicing an arm off the great fatality dragon. "Lewis, anti-fatlity hug, now!" Stephen shouted. Papa Steel-steel had just started to get up, when Stephen charged at his right, and Lewis charged at his left. They both tackled Mr. Steelman in a steel-grip fatality hug. They thought they had won for sure, but underestimated Papa Steel-steel's power. In one last desperate attempt, Papa Steel-steel performed a fatality anti-hug punch spin and sent both warriors of the Overlord flying. Stephen managed to land on his feet, and Lewis just bounced off the ground. "I'm going in for a pooh smash!" Lewis shouted. He ran towards Papa Steel-steel and launched his large, pooh-like body at the dragon. Mr. Steelman was wounded badly. "Time to finish him!" Stephen cheesily shouted, and ran at him and took off the dragon's head in a single sweep of his sword. It truely was a great victory for the Overlord. In that day, 46 students at Elkin Middle School convereted to Cuttlefishism.
*THE STUFF ABOUT HEAVEN AND RAINING AND MISERABLENESS AND ALL THAT JAZZ WERE PART OF AN AWESOME ARMOR FOR SLEEP SONG AND HAD VERY LITTLE, IF ANYTHING, TO DO WITH THE ACTUAL STORY. HAIL THE OVERLORD!
Cardinal Stephen's Account of The Great War
The Great War, which took place around 98,000 BCE, before even Mimi, the oldest living human who personally knows the Cuttlefish Overlord, was alive. The Earth was once covered completely in water. There was a massive war in the oceans. On one side was the cuttlefish, the squid, and the holy squiddlefish. Attacking the holy alliance was the octopi, the anglerfish, and anglopi, the most foul creatures ever to swim the waters. The battles raged throughout the world. The losses were heavy for both sides. This war was not over land, or resources. This war was sparkes purly from the evil of the anglopi and their anglerfish and octopus followers. Though the squiddlfish alliance won the war, there were irrepairable losses. The squiddlefish were wiped out, and the great Cuttlefish Overlord was wounded so terribly that he had to return to the Great Ocean and leave our world in the hands of the cuttlefish. The anglopi were devistated, but not wiped out. Some of those vile beasts still roam the waters of Earth. The great Cuttlefish Overlord commands that, if anyone sees an anglopus, that they kill it at all costs. The Great War was a terrible conflict that had no clear winner.
After the war was over, the Church of Cuttlefishism was divided. The old, traditional Cuttlefishists wanted to continue to hunt down the enemy anglerpi, but a more peaceful faction of the Cuttlefishist congrigation wanted to forgive the enemy and try to coexist. They could not reach an agreement with the Cuttlefishist church leaders, and broke off to form a different denomination of Cuttlefishism - Squagumplabasism. The difference is similar to the difference between Catholic Christians and Protestant Christians. Both Cuttlefishists and Squagumplabists worship the Overlord and our Lord John Wilkes Booth, but they are more peaceful and are quicker to forgive.
Doers of Pointless Labor
It was a warm Friday morning in the waters of the Atlantic, though the fish knew not what day it was; fish have no calenders. But on this warm Monday morning, a ravashing angelfish by the name of Aleks was swimming to the temple of the Overlord to give her annual tribute; 90% of all her income; when she was stopped by the fearsom agent of Papa Smurf. Yes, none other than the Delores-Umbridge-resembling Garner! "You there! Fair angelfish youth! I hereby assign you to disect this cuttlefish and name every organ on your first attempt! You have today, Saturday, and Sunday to study! I will see you Monday morning!" Garner thrust a slain cuttlefish into Aleks's face and vanished with a POOF of evilocity. Terrified and unsure of how to handle the situation, Aleks rushed into the temple, cradling the deceased body of the prophet. "You there! Girl! Why doth thou holdeth in thine hands a cuttlefish who hath met death? Doth thou enjoy thine necrophilia?" the temple priest asked in slight disgust, but slight arousal. "Ummm....No. Garner told me I had to disect it and study the organs over the weekend and name them all Monday morning! What do I do?" Aleks explained after slapping the priest for his implication that she was into freaky-teaky dead stuff. "Gasp!" the priest exclaimed. "By my reckoning, thou shalt need to perform thine autopsy on thine deceased brethren and appease the evil one." "WRONG ANSWER, SWINE!" a voice bellowed from the depths of the ocean. The priest then spontaniously combusted; yes, he errupted into flames while underwater. "Young one, hear me and heed my words; it is I, the Cuttlefish Overlord. Cast that body into the well of Cuttlefishness in the back of this temple. Fear not the wrath of Garner, for I shall protect you. Hear me now, and pass my word on to all Cuttlefishists, for I have a new commandment; from now until I say otherwise (which will be never), any sort of school related work done on the weekend is a crime against the cuttlefish race. Go now, and never again complete weekend homework!" Aleks, feeling safe under the protection of the Overlord, respectfully disposed of the cuttlebody and ignored Garner's threat. As Monday morning rolled around, Aleks saw Garner approach, but she felt a presence behind her. As she turned around, she saw the mighty Cuttlefish Overlord behind her with a GAU-8 Gatling gun aimed at Garner's head. She stopped, turned around, and walked away, and the faithful angelfish Aleks was safe.
This, the third book of the Quttleran, was written by now excommunicated Priest Justin in the days just before he and Priest Brandon betrayed the Overlord for those disgusting llamas.
The Art of Face Tracing
One day while observing an ancient piece of art in the Overlord's observatory, a young squid asked himself, "How did such a glorious work come to be?" That night, the young squid did not prevent cancer, for he was pondering over the glorious artwork of "Justin, the Overlord's Official Facetracer" - Endorsed by the Mimi Crew of Ancients, who helped Mimi forge the Earth with her bare hands from iron and steel. So the squid prayed. The Overlord answered, and appearted before the young squid's half-blind eyes. "Is that you, Mike Jones?" the squid said in confusion, and the wise Overlord struck the squid down in shame of being confused with Mike Jones. Unfortuantly, Justin later betrayed the Overlord. While is work is still admired, only pre-betrayal artwork is considered work inspired by the Overlord.
One night, while Stephen was talking to Justin, he dosed off like a facetard and had a dream. In this dream he had while he was asleep for a mear 5 seconds at most, Sammy Sosa told Stephen that in order to keep ghosts away from you, you must keep a piece of Hershy's milk chocolate in your mouth and hold an unopened Baby Ruth candy bar in your hand. Stephen awoke in an instant, for he knew that the dream he had had was no ordinary dream, but that he had recieved a holy vision from the almighty Cuttlefish Overlord himself. So he told Justin of his dream, who is writing this down at this very moment to tell you of the Overlord's great and noble acts in anti-ghost rituals.
Chuck Norris - THE PATRON SAINT
For his amazing ability to leave a trail of pure ownage where he went and pwn anyone in his way, Chuck Norris is officially named the Patron Saint of Cuttlefishism! Hail the Overlord!
Steve Irwin, The Crododile Hunter
In memory of his death and in honor of how incredibly awesome he was as he wrestled with crocodiles and how he taught the world about wildlife conservation and that not even the scariest of animals like sharks, crocodiles, and snakes are evil, Steve Irwin is hereby name a saint of Cuttlefishism. Rest in peace, Steve Irwin.
STEVE IRWIN, RIP 1962-2006